Author / Phil Kuria
I was taught that to really make a chunk of steak savour, I have to take the meat, hold it firm as if its mine, carry a torch for it as I admire it for being thick, hold it up on air, make comparison of its edges with the horizon of any background, call it names, praise it without remarking the cow that was slaughtered for its beef, slap it, rather spank it, do you spank or slap beef steak light or hard? I prefer hard. I love the sound made, its like a splatter of something wet. Something like the belly of a penguin hit hard on tiles. This sound is pronounced with lotion. You can try. Squash a lump of cocoa butter on your palm then slap it on your thigh. That kind of sound is perfect when you want to apply lotion after a shower. I however prefer baby jelly because of its smell. Baby jelly smells like a happy baby that’s why mums are always happy applying jelly on babies. The jelly is soft, the baby is soft too. What’s unclear is why they always apply it on a child’s butt during commercials. Its sad because a child’s butt makes a mum happy unbeknownst to it.
A marinade works best when there’s presence of oil, salt, & an acid- vinegar/ lemon. Any additional ingredient enhances the flavours. These are things which make spanking a steak interesting. You slap it with a reason. You slap it to send salt inside. The salt in turn will go in with some oil to break strands & relax its muscles. That’s why you’re always advised to massage your steak as it helps in fixing flavors . You can massage it as you sing, as long as the song doesn’t carry you away to points that it seems sexual. Actually masseuse never sing when massaging. They’re always quiet. They know the risks involved in singing when dealing with live meat. Live meat is you in your pants or boxers with only a towel lying on a massage bench like pork meat ready for roast. Live meat reacts when things start getting out of hand. If you massage a live meat so good, you’ll see it move. You’ll see it conform to the gentle touches. A beef steak is different.
When you marinate a beef steak, you think of how good you want your meat to taste. You visualize how flavors will burst in your mouth. You consider its toughness. What you resent is any chance of it being dry & tough, so you will do your best to prevent it. You’ll massage it. You’ll want it to rest in the fridge as you think of the barbecue. About the heat, the grill,- how your steak will sear and hiss once placed on a hot grill. You don’t think of charcoal. Charcoal is just a tree burnt beyond recognition. The beauty of it, is that it gets red when hot, but you just don’t think of it. You focus on your meat. If you’re the man in charge of roasting the meats, you want it to be eaten with people who won’t look forward to chomp on cakes & desserts afterwards. You want people to respond by asking for more meat. People who will hang around the grill with some men holding beer cans and others sip from whiskey glasses. That’s the sign of a good roast.
A good chunk of beef steak is juicy when bit. Its softer on bite. It’s meat that beckons people to watch it as it roasts. It has a sharp aroma that almost makes air edible. It asks for Ugali. A good meat needs a rub when marinated. So rub your meat!